By Helen Borel, R.N.,Ph.D.
Distancing: Barrier to Love
The Illusion of Love...The Elusiveness of Love
Do you want a man or a woman in your life you can connect with on many levels? Are you
feeling left out when your friends or colleagues excitedly relate aspects of their love relation-
ships? Wondering if love will ever happen to you?
Not that you haven't tried to find "the right one." He or she, "the right one" that is, simply
eludes you.
Have you thought that maybe it's not about luck? Or about being in the right place at the right
time? Or about the shape of your body? Or your good looks? Or that scar on your cheek?
Could it be that there's something about you that - while wishing for a close relationship filled
with love in your life - paradoxically doesn't truly want that? Or is afraid of that? Or
unconsciously rejects that?
Could it be that no one you meet really never measures up? Measures up to whom? To
whose criteria? Yours? Or some faintly-recalled parental dictates?
Do you have any criteria by which you make choices for yourself - one way or the other? Or
are you relying on some other hidden rules, which you may or may not be distantly aware of,
that are running your life? Probably ruining your life?
Whose life rules are you following, anyway?
Feeling Alone, Lonely and At a Loss How to Become the Other Half of a Couple?
You definitely deserve better in your life than to go through it all alone. But it seems so
hard to find someone you can comfortably relate to. Someone who you can trust and rely
on. Someone who won't disappoint you. Someone who won't take advantage of you and
then reject you.
On the other hand, do you sometimes think, "I enjoy being alone. It's not necessary to be
part of a couple to be a happy person"? This is a valid position for many, many people. But
is it really your true life perspective?
Your Psychotherapist Will Help You Sort Out Your Real Feelings and Needs
You need to examine, in depth, your full needs and goals for your life to find your own
specific answers to these questions. This is most expeditiously done in psychotherapy
- where all your thought processes, feelings, childhood memories, and lifelong habitual
behaviors can be examined.
These are explored to discover how crucial elements of your personality and life
experiences contribute to your aloneness today.
How to Turn Your Life Around and Get the Love You Deserve And, then, your compassion-
ate psychotherapist will guide you in turning your life around to get you on target to obtain the
life results and love you want to connect with. Which is accomplished by countering your
Self-negating beliefs, by trying new behaviors, by feeling ALL your feelings, and by working
through the griefs of certain childhood happenings you were powerless to do anything about
when you were little.
What Gets in the Way of You Connecting with a Special Someone?
Remember this cardinal rule: YOU CAN NEVER CONNECT WITH ANYONE ELSE
UNTIL YOU CONNECT WITH YOUR SELF. And that's what quality psychotherapy
can accomplish for you. Self-connection!
By the way, that rule applies to ALL interactions in your life, to all lengthy or momentary
human contacts. If you don't know your Self and don't accept and love your Self, it's impos-
sible to honestly connect with others. Lack of empathy for your Self produces the inability to
sense where others are at and what they need from you and whether you are, basically,
comfortable with meeting them at the level of connection they may wish to have with you.
When you barely, if at all, know your Self and avoid coming to terms with your inner hurts and
wishes...fear, confusion, withdrawal from other people, and other Self-defeating feelings and
actions keep you in a distance mode. That is, to others you may appear haughty or snobbish
- while, in truth, you are living your life and experiencing others from a defensive position, a far
away emotional Bastille where you are protected from ever being hurt again.
But remember, this distance-armored place is a prison. A place away from social life
where real relationships would have to storm the defended barrier-walls to break through to
the Real You.
To Get What You Want, You Have to Change
to New Thoughts and New Behaviors Thus, in order to experience
Real Life, Real People, and Real Relationships, you're going to have to break out of this
prison-of-your-own-making, usually easier done with the help of your psychotherapist.
Yes, sometimes people disappoint us - or even worse. But, be honest, sometimes you
disappoint others too - or even worse. That's because you're human too, just like them.
So, to get the relationships you want in your life, plus that special love relationship, you need
to let down your guard, accept your total Self, and let others in. Take a chance. Doing nothing
new gets you nowhere fast. Breaking down your distancing behaviors will feel like a wonderful BREAKTHROUGH for you. Why not start today?
(c) copyright 2008-2015 Dr. Helen Borel. All rights reserved.
For permissions and rights, email me:
medical-healthalerts@earthlink.net
For Interactive, Interventional, Creative PsychoTherapy - by this author of
Journey Into Self: Holistic Interactive Integrative Psychoanalysis - that
gets your life, your career, and your love relationship away from suffering
and on to fulfillment, contact me: emotional_health@earthlink.net
...and You can call me Dr. Helen
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